As I Believe in You Tonight
by llamachan
Summary: Jin muses on some old memories and discovers revelations...too bad that they're badly timed. Episode 17 spoilers, JinYukimaru, shounen ai. Oneshot, first SamCham fic, don't own the series.


_Time is never time at all  
You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth  
And our lives are forever changed  
We will never be the same  
The more you change the less you feel._

He's dying.

He's dying by my sword.

I've seen this several times before. Death has become part of my daily routine on this journey, and I've grown accustomed to being completely unemotional about it. When you've seen as much of it as I have, well…it's just going through the motions. I've killed strangers, old friends, even my master.

But this one…this one is hitting me hard. I'm completely holding it in, of course. It's more honorable for me, and perhaps…it'll help Yukimaru not behave like a coward in his final moments. I know that there's no hope for him to survive.

I see him as that eight year old kid, the one who watched me in awe at the dojo. I still don't know how he had the courage to face me. I'm only a couple of years older, but I'm pretty intimidating, even at ten.

_"How'd you do that?" he asked as I finished my morning classes. "You beat all of them!"_

_"It's because I'm going to be the best," I said shortly. I didn't have time to deal with a kid and besides, I didn't need admirers. "All you have to remember is that I'll beat you one day, too."_

_All I have to do is keep walking, and he'll go away._

_"Hey!" he called out._

_I ignored him. Kept walking, trying to shake the lost puppy before he attached to me._

_"H-HEY!" I heard him running, "You just can't walk away!" In a flash, he somehow dove in front of me, blocking my path._

_"What do you want?"_

_"I just want to know your name," he pleaded. "Then I'll get out of your way."_

_"Jin. Now move." I pushed him out of the way and continued on._

_"My name is Yukimaru!" I heard him yell behind me. "Remember that name, because that's the name of the one who's going to defeat you!"_

_I smirked._

A shuddering death gasp brings me back into the present, as I watch his body thrash in its final throes, desperately trying to cling to life.

There's only one thing that's similar to this dance of death, and that's the dance that a lover does as he approaches climax.

Now –that- dance…he performed for me several times. Yukimaru isn't the best lover that I've had, but he tops them all when it comes to pure adoration of my cock.

_He wouldn't stop following me for years, constantly trying either to best me or be my friend; couldn't tell which. Maybe both, even though I didn't have any desire for either. _

_But around the time that he was fourteen or so, he became less annoying and more of a confidant. I didn't have many at the dojo; as I was much more focused on the art than the other students._

_It turned out that we had plenty in common-our families had been close for generations, even though we had never met. We both viewed kendo as an art and a way of self defense, not as an attack._

_He was curious about men loving men._

_I became a teacher to the willing student._

_Honestly, I was surprised that he hadn't fucked any of the other students yet-hell, anyone else yet. He was a good looking kid, but I guess that his attachment to me is what kept everyone else away. They didn't want to cross me._

_Just call me protector._

_But that last time, I watched him shiver and moan loudly under my touch, enough to wake the others._

_He was close. I could feel him seizing up underneath me as he started his favorite chant._

_Jin…Jin…_

"Jin."

He's got this odd smile on his face; the same one he had all those years ago when we first met. He knows he's close.

They start pouring in, faster and faster.

_The twelve year old, attempting to spar with me and failing miserably._

_The fourteen year old, reaching for me curiously. "I've never…_

"I only wanted…"

Faster.

_The fifteen year old, confessing about another lover in our play, demanding punishment._

_The seventeen year old's actual confession._

_"I only wanted…"_

"…to be you.'

_"…to be with you."_

"Yukimaru."

I mutter, my voice snapping me back into reality.

"I've never…"

But before I can finish, he's gone.

_I've never told you how close I became to you._

"He was like a brother to me," I tell Fuu as we pray in front of his grave. It's only now that I realize that the sentiment runs much deeper.

_I've never told you that I fell in love with you._

__

Believe, believe in me, believe  
Believe that life can change  
That you're not stuck in vain  
We're not the same, we're different tonight.

_Believe in me as I believe in you tonight._

_-"Tonight, Tonight" Smashing Pumpkins_


End file.
